Bliss, Balance, such a beautiful life!

God is merciful and just, and He has a deliciously twisted sense of humour. ^_^
*sigh-purrrrring*
I really do love my life. I especially love it right now.
For this moment, this day, and as long as the feeling can last, I am blissed-out and absolutely shitproof. Everything in this world and everyone in this world that I love most are right where I want them to be, where I need them to be, and I cannot see a better moment in my life in which to be content, joyous, and grateful. Bad days can happen, yes, but right now I am surrounded by silver lining. May it remain so. :D

All my love to you.
-Estelore

Huh. Breakability.

My skin feels prickly, like there's static racing across it, and I can't stop thinking about you.
It seems like there are little black butterflies everywhere, and did you know that you'll live forever if you break one? Orson Scott Card said that, about breaking butterflies. Maybe he knew something, there.
Butterflies are like hearts, like glass. All these decisions perched on the edge of a knife, so very easy to shatter, and live forever. Oh, mercy, I would not live forever for all the beauty of the world. This sort of beauty has a marvellous terror in it, and I want nothing of it beyond the set time.
Mercy, do I miss you. You're only a morning away, and some hours, and a sleep. You are just a few breaths away from me, and all this ice in my veins is burning away at me, that slow cold patience that takes so much of my focus, but not enough, never enough. I miss you; I love you. My heart is fluttering slow and steady, as even as ocean waves, as bright as black delicate wings, ahhh, sweet beautiful breakable things....

Yammering. Just yammering, and feel like typing it.

Kiss me already I'm bored I wanna' go home for pity's sake I'm tired wait I'm never bored how the feck am I bored? Snap out of it run-on sentences like I give a crap wow I'm actually keeping up to my thoughts with my typing must be thinking really slowly and typing really fastly yes fastly is a word so there.
Breathe in.
Play music not notes I wanna' go home take me home PLEASE and dammit do I miss you or what? I'm tired I need a book I need to catch up to my poke'mon game RAFGone needs updating for mercy's sake three days is all I need man I need to quit humming Les Mis tunes oy vey!
Breathe out.
So much solo such short solos N.O. looks like fun a glaive guisarme would be fun, too, but nobody wants to play with sharp stuff why would they it's dangerous you silly goon especially when it's this particular silly goon.
Breathe in.
Patience focus balance keep it in control jeeze why did they both have to have broken ribs at ONCE?! Keep breathing I know it hurts you'll be fine you always are you'll live you always do. Hang in there, kiddo'.
Breathe out.
Typing so fast don't wear yourself out loon you have to play piano tonight or did you forget I mean seriously, Es, what are you thinking? Oh. Right. That's what you're thinking.
You're stronger than pain and smarter than fear why listen to them when they say different things? Focus on the now you'll be okey control and redirect your energy to a better purpose focus.

Right. We're good.

:)

Just some sorta' incomplete thoughts in no particular order.

I feel like there is ice in my veins,
a fierce, burning cold inside me, white-hot
and screaming to find its way out,
and it's all I can do to contain it,
keep you from burning up with me.

I feel like there are flames, dark, sweet heat,
lingering just behind my eyes,
building in my heart and my hands and my voice,
and they keep reaching for you,
so ready to close around you
and keep you forever.

I feel like there is a vine growing around my feet,
rooting me where I stand,
trapping me here between wishing and acting,
and all I can do is wait,
while the vines climb
and the fire grows
and the ice races again and again
past a heart that loves a little too well.
I have all the time in the world;
I can wait forever for you, if you want that,
all I'm asking is this:
Don't let me burn you.

This world has enough of ashes and dust.

Wowness Times Two Plus Infinity, SO THERE!

Okay, so I know you've probably heard me say it before, and it probably made your eyes roll, but I'll say it here:

The original Poke'mon themesong is FAWESOME!!! Even if you hate the show and the critters, you just gotta' LOVE that cheerful 1990's hard-rockin'-with-the-electric-piano-and-the-bass sound that it has. Change up the lyrics, and you've got a hit!

Speaking of lyrics? Also fun. :)
I wanna be the very best
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Teach Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside
Pokemon!
Gotta catch 'em all--It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!
Gotta catch 'em all--Our hearts so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Yeeaa.
Every challenge along the way
With courage I can face
I will battle everyday
To claim my rightful place
Come with me the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream
Pokemon!
Gotta catch 'em all--It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!
Gotta catch 'em all--Our hearts so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Yeeeaa!

MORE!!! MUSIC!!!!

These genuinely pwn. :)

Depeche Mode: Enjoy the Silence

Lacuna Coil: Enjoy the Silence (cover), Our Truth

Rasputina: Wish You Were Here (cover of Pink Floyd)

Bands for me to watch, lest I should forget.

Power Metal, apparently:

Nightwish
Dragonforce
Stratovarius
Dark Moor
Dragonland
Starway to Fairyland
Sonata Arctica
Sabaton
Celesty
Elvenking
Emerald Sun
Galloglass
Forgotten Tales
Power Quest
Dragonfly
Highland Glory
Rhapsody of Fire
Luca Turilli
Athena

I'll check them off the list or add them to my other list, as I sample the music. :)

MUSIC!!!! Mental Playlist # 1

MY CURRENT MENTAL PLAYLIST OF FAWESOMENESS!!!


Lordi: Hard Rock Hallelujah.

Deathklok: Pretty much anything, as long as you aren't trying to hear the lyrics.

Coldplay: Clocks and Viva la Vida

Freedom Call: The Quest and We Are One

Ayreon: Loser and Waking Dreams

Stream of Passion: Pain and Out In the Real World

Angelzoom: Into My Arms and Fairyland

Evanescence: Pretty much anything, but especially My Immortal, Bring Me to Life, Good Enough, Tourniquet, Missing, Anywhere, Before the Dawn, and My Last Breath

Smash Mouth: And Then the Morning Comes, All Star, Radio, Road Man, I Just Wanna' See, and Satellite (any Astrolounge, basically)

Eiffel65: Blue (da ba dee)

Aerosmith: I Don't Wanna' Miss a Thing, Dream On

Eagles: Hotel California

Bad Company: Bad Company

Wowness.

Who told you my lullabye?


...Take with me the light of the morning.
Take with me the soul of the day.
Walk with me through sunbeams and shadows.
Be with me forever. Always with me...

*glowing again*

I got smooched today.


That is all.

Happiness Undiminished by Incoming Low Pressure Zones

The weather will not keep me down, even when it makes my sinuses ache!! WAHAHAHA!!!

Tomorrow is a concert at the school. Bandness! Muzak! Clarinet shrillness in which to glorify and with which to torture the masses!!! >:-D

I hope my Da and my boyfriend both show up, that I might introduce them. ^_^
If not, ah, well, no worries. Life is good. :)

Peace, dearlings! *air-kisses*

-Esty

...and changes just seem to keep happening....

I'm on a major emotional high right now.
Why?

He loves me! Oh, sure, I knew that already, but still, it's the principle of the thing. :)
Put his arm around me, shaking like a leaf, but kept holding me even then. The left shoulder of my blouse still smells like him. Niiiice. ^_^

And in other news, I've not so much lost a dearling as gained a friend, so the hurt is mended. I miss how it was, but I look forward to how it can be.

Damn, I really DO heal fast!
(Please don't be offended, if you're reading this. I felt no less than I said I did, but I'm not one to linger over-long on hurts that I don't really need to feel. A day-and-a-half is enough ouch for a lifetime.)

That being said, I am HAPPY!

No, I'm not a mood-swinging freak, seriously. I'm just having an incredibly wild week-and-a-half.


HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY....!

Amazing, isn't it, how a world changes?

"Remember me,
and love me,
and when it hurts to miss me,
remember me as I am right now,
loving you,
spinning with you beneath this perfect sky,
and basking in the joy,
the power, the peace that comes from feeling,
for a moment,
truly free. "

I wrote that scarcely three posts ago.

I meant it, too. I don't say what I don't mean.

I wonder how you want me to remember you.
I wonder if I want to remember you.

I wonder if I have a choice, if I ever had a choice about any of it. It wasn't like I wanted to feel that way, at least at the start of it, but there are things that one can't help feeling.

Oh, that's shit. Of course, I had a choice, even if it was no choice at all. Love or Pain, neh? Naturally, it's really just Pain Later or Pain Now. But... then again, that is every choice that exists, isn't it? Deciding when to hurt and when to put it off for another time?

There are a few things that people seem to always want, but they regret it as soon as they get it, or they regret the act of getting it. Wisdom is at the top of that list, I think. Patience, passion, and heart's desire follow pretty closely.
Well, I'm more than wise enough to know that I don't really want to be wise. I've had pretty much forever to know how much it sucks to gain patience, and who is more patient than the person that has to wait for everything, the person that bears all things?

Feck it all. As much as I would love to watch the world burn, there are things here that I value, things that I am going to lose either way. It's just a matter of Now or Later... and... I choose Later. The world can burn all it likes, but not yet. Let me be happy while I can be. Let me live while I'm alive, if I have to be alive at all.

Some rules are made to be broken. Others aren't. How does a person survive, if she has to lose everything that matters to her, now or later?

It's okey. I forgive the hurt, and I hope you can forgive it, too, and the reason for it. I'll miss you in that wretched constant way that I do, and love you, since that's not something I can help, but I'll keep living, too. What's one more heartbreak? I heal quickly.

Damnit. I need to get this out, so I won't have to think it later. I'm sorry.

I miss you, and I need you, and it's a little bit like dying. (I have some experience in that area, I daresay.)
I can't imagine letting night after night pass without seeing your eyes. I really fecking do not want to think about what I'm going to do with that extra fifteen minutes each morning. I miss waking you up and knowing it's okey to wake you up.
I'm needed, so avoiding the forum isn't a likelihood. This is unfortunate, since I can't really avoid seeing your posts, now, can I?
Something inside me wants never to talk to you again or think about you or remember you or anything at all. Something else shrieks in agony at the very thought of 'never' and 'you' in the same sentence. Oh, feck, now I'm crying. Well, that sucks.
Fine. Two tears, but we're stopping there.
I feel like you've died, and I'm mourning the dead.
Thing is, I don't feel this way about death, in general. Death is gentler, as a whole.


You're right, of course, that this was an inevitability. Everything's eventual, after all, especially with regards to me.
That doesn't change the fact that I can still feel your fire underneath my skin every time you think of me. It doesn't change the fact that I can still feel everything, be it anger or jealousy or pain or hatred or love-that-can't-be-borne.

I don't know what's worst, a world where you hate me, a world where you live but feel nothing at all toward me, a world where you love me and suffer for it, or a world in which you don't exist.

I... need to stop thinking about those worlds. *shakes head* No reason to spin a nastier reality than the one I have.

God help me, this hurts.
Okey, one more tear. Seriously, though, foot = being put down, right now.

...I was incorrect in that. So one more. Sure. And another, while we're at it. If I'm gonna' let myself lose control, might as well make it complete. And here's number six.

Amazing what a person can endure. She says I'm strong. I'm starting to believe her, now. She says I'm brave. What if I don't want to be strong or brave, though? What if I just want to pass out here in this corner and let someone else take over?
But I can't do that to him, can I?

Ugh. This is why people should never leave me alone with my thoughts. I never seem to shut up, do I?

This is bad enough. Why does she have to hurt, too?

There is no such thing as fairness. Justice and Mercy are illusions that humans make for themselves when the universe beats the shit out of them. Hope and Courage are just other words for making the pain last longer than it needs to, on the vague possibility that it might clear up on its own if you wait long enough. They are Patience-plus-one. Wisdom is just another way of saying that the world is f*cked-up and you're aware enough of the f*cked-up-ness of it that you can survive it.


I just want to go home. Please, Father, just let me go home, please? What do I have to do? How many more times do I have to lose what I can't bear to lose?
Three more tears, fine. Who cares, anymore? And another. And again. Why do I bother counting?
I'm hurting. I loved you more than any human ever will. I guess that's an acceptable loss, over the alternative? Fine. I want you back, more than you can imagine, even in your current state, but I'm not going to beg you to come back, because then I'll lose you again, I expect, and then I'll hurt again, and so will you, and I can't stand you hurting.

I can't stand you hating me, either, so either choose one and settle on it so that I can get on with enduring it, or... or I don't know what, but choose one, okey? If you are going to hate me, then hate me until the fire burns itself out, until there is nothing left for me to feel from you. Hate me until your life doesn't register on my radar, and then forget me.
Please. Please just forget me.

*gasping, ragged sob* Right. There goes control, out the window. There goes balance, focus. There goes "You're stronger than this." I don't know how I'm going to do this. Just typing this is like being stabbed over and over again and please I just want it to stop please. It burns in my eyes and I just want to be able to feel cold again, since I can't have your warmth without burning forever.

Please forget me. I don't know any way to stop loving you, even when it hurts me. If you can forget me, then at least I won't feel you thinking about me, and I'll be able to just get on with it, with living and with hurting like I'm bound to, anyway.

I just looked into a mirror, and wow, do I look like shit, or what?! Right. Well, focus, I'm stronger than the pain if I can just keep breathing through it. That's what she keeps saying. I have to believe her, don't I? But then, when every other pain is trivial to her, what keeps her from lying?
Right, well, let it be established as fact: I didn't ask for this. I never wanted this. I forgive it all, but forgiveness doesn't make it hurt less. It is a shitty, miserable, impossibly lonely existence. If I could hate, I would hate it. Sure, there are wonderful people whom are there for me so I don't have to take it all alone, but what am I supposed to do when I lose them, too? Well, I guess that's where the passing-out-in-the-corner-of-my-mind thing comes in handy, neh?

Well, there you go folks, the whole source of my incredible and constant cheerfulness: If for a single moment I allow myself to drop below that nearly-imperceptible Line of Bearability, if I allow myself to really think about the genuinely shitty situation that I'm living, then it all hits me at once, and I fall apart, lose it, go to pieces, and STUFFZ. And then I have to let someone else take over, and she isn't really very nice.


Oh, Hell. You just logged onto MSN, and it notified me. Seriously!?!? No!!! I know God has a sense of humour, but this...

...no. This is CRUEL.

I'm not the first to say it, and I shall not be the last: Life. Is. A. BITCH.
It's still life, though. :P I'm still living it, and that's not changing any time soon, I expect.

Right, well. I love you. Sorry, for more than you can imagine. I'm not asking you to change your mind, as much as I wish you would.
I'll heal enough.

God bless you. Be safe and well. Forgive me, please, for being what I am. I love you. I love you forever, which is way too fucking long. Bye.

Ouch.

Right. Well, that hurts like a bitch. I'll live. I always do. I'm a regular fecking genius at surviving pain.


For now, I'm going to focus on what I still have and on what doesn't hurt.

I lived before, and I'll live after. That being said, living may not be the funnest thing in the world sometimes, but it is still living.

How's this. I'll be incandescently happy. Yeah, I can do that. Starting now.

Life is Beautiful

Well, I have a date to prom. :)



I also now have a boyfriend, a very sweet and kind and earnest and adorable guy.

*takes a brief moment to cry out, SPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!*

As if that weren't already the best thing since French toast, he loves me, he considers me beautiful, and he blushes most delightfully every time I make eye-contact with him.


This has officially made my week. ^_^

To all you whom read this, I send my love. *throws a kiss into the aether*

G'day!

Estelore, over and out. *high fives the world in general*

Cariad...

Come run with me,
there's a place I have to show you,
and I want you to see it,
this place in all its glory.
We'll walk there together
and dance in the rain.

Sweet one, follow me,
walk with me through this forest,
and don't let those other paths
lead you astray.

Feel the wind caress your face,
taste this air, its sweetness,
and remember me like this when I am gone:
An ember flying on a night-wind from a bonfire,
a single snowflake dancing on a gust of frosted air,
a spark leaping from your fingertips to mine as our hands meet and clasp.

Remember me this way:
Running barefoot on this meadow grass,
the rush of wind catching my jacket open like wings, trailing out behind me,
my hair floating and whipping around my face.

Remember me here, in this place,
spinning and twirling wildly, my skirts flying out around me,
until I freeze in place, closing my eyes,
rising up to balance carefully on tip-toe,
standing perfectly still with my hands raised to the sky,
face turned up to catch the sun and wind and rain.

Remember me,
and love me,
and when it hurts to miss me, remember me as I am right now,
loving you, spinning with you beneath this perfect sky,
and basking in the joy, the power, the peace that comes from feeling, for a moment, truly free.

Happy Birthday, Beloved.

If it were for me to decide,
I would spare you all pain.
I would give my whole self to you
And you would never have to ask.
If it were for me to choose,
I would never hurt you,
Never leave you,
Never let you cry except with joy,
Never change even one thing about you.
I’d wake you up every morning
And be the last thing you see before you sleep each night.
My words would be your comfort,
My voice would be your music,
And every time you look into my eyes,
You would see again and again
that I wanted nothing more nor less
than to always love you
and be loved by you.

If I were free, I would choose you.
If it were mine, I’d give you the world.

I don’t have any of that to offer.
What I do have, though, I give freely.
I give you my love.
I give you my patience and my forgiveness.
I give you my rare blushes.
I give you my apologies.
I give you my smiles and my laughter.
I give you tears, sometimes,
though you won’t ever have to see them.
I give you desire
As well as control, restraint.
I give you passion without fear.
I give you intensity, ferocity,
living-in-the-moment-for-the-sake-of-the-moment.
I give you my hope and my courage.
I give you my wisdom and pray that you never need it.
I give you my dreams,
My secrets,
My trust,
My truth.
If you ever need it, I’ll give you my life.
I know that that’s more than you’d ever ask.
I know it isn’t enough.
It can never be enough.
Even so, it’s all I have to give, and this,
All that I have,
All that is mine to give,
Such as it is,
Is my gift to you.

Gar, what a long time I've been away!

Finally I return. If you've never spent six-ish hours straight practising clarinet with a huge wind ensemble, you have no idea what I mean by 'my chops are ouching'. Right now, my lips look like they've been kissed or bitten or Heaven KNOWS what. Reed + lips + time = don't need lipstick to look red. *chuckle-wince*

The concert was fawesome beyond belief.

Now I get to make up calculus and biology work. Yaaaay. Wow. Sarcasm really does NOT become me. Okey dokey.

I am sleepy. Seriously. I need to SNOOZE. However, I just ate spicy and caffeinated munchies, so sleep is somewhat away from me right now. Alas and alack. Drat and botheration. Cheese and crackers.

I'll live. *dark laughter*
Too bad for the rest of you, my duckies. *throws a kiss to the audience*

As for those four who are perhaps dearer to me than all the rest, those that I call Caerdhamos, Eresthais, Marinlaus, and Esterienlaut?
*huggggggg!!! to you all!*
I've missed you mucho-ness. Gar. Grrrrrrr Kentucky is nice but hotel computers do not have IMing software. Blarghing garrrr.

I have missed you folks. See you about! :)

The ____est day of my life, to this point.

This day has been... ____. If there's an adjective that exists, it applies to today.
The day in brief:

1. My cat kept me awake most of the night.
2. A train had me running behind schedule but not late.
3. I won a very major academic competition today, and I got second in another category.
4. I bought a book cheaply, Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr. It's amazing.
5. I learned that an online friend of mine technically does not exist.
6. My clarinet rehearsal went most smoothly and delightfully.
7. I almost blew a gasket earlier, when losing my temper even a little bit is extremely unusual for me.
8. I'm having a hard time contacting someone with whom I REALLY need to talk RIGHT NOW.
9. My uncle has been diagnosed with lung cancer.
10. I'm still sick, but less than previously.
11. There was sun today, but it was cold.
12. Today the fourth black cat in three days ran across the road in front of me.
13. There's a full moon out tonight.
14. I did not receive the extremely-badly-needed scholarship. Y'know the interview I mentioned? Yeah. That scholarship. I just got the letter of consolation tonight. It came with a t-shirt bearing the school logo. Peeeeachy. I am REALLY not wanting to take out student loans, since they suck and are totally unreasonable.
15. There is always hope. And that other potential scholarship. And those other potential scholarships for which I still need to apply. There's always the chance that one of the recipients will turn this one down and go to another school, allowing me the chance at it again.
16. Tomorrow is still Friday. Thank God in Heaven, tomorrow is Friday.

Well, how would you feel, in my position?


Here is my conclusion:

Today didn't happen. As far as I'm concerned, this changes nothing. This does not change how I will behave tomorrow nor the day after.


I've always known, after all, that when it comes to the things that I NEED, that I genuinely NEED to keep me going in this life, I can't depend on anyone but myself and my God. Why should that change for something like a scholarship interview? I'd be incredibly stupid to think that my problems are going to be solved so very easily, especially by someone ELSE.


To those who read this:
If you know me IRL, you may find yourself feeling very smug, perhaps even ironically entertained, by my current circumstances. The brain finally finds something that is difficult for her, neh?

Listen up. There is nothing that I have right now, NOTHING for which I did not work to the very limits of my abilities. What I have, I HAVE EARNED. Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean that I don't put real and earnest effort into it. In fact, odds are good that I do a Hellova lot more work than you do, since anyone having such smug feelings is obviously not at the top of the IQ totem pole, and has probably slept through a few classes.

So if you wanna' poke fun? Please first take a minute to think about what an incredible idiot you are, and if that doesn't stop you, then please go screw yourself. Courteously save me the trouble of beating your ego to a bloody pulp. :)


Scheisse. I'm getting bitter. I'd better stop that right now, if I want to sleep at all to-night.
Okey. Focus.
Chill-pill, kiddo'. Don't rip off any heads. Tomorrow is its own day. Things can always get worse, but they can sure as Hell always get better, too.

Interview Day

Well, it went swimmingly. Here's hoping that they liked me more than people usually do when I answer their questions like that. ;)

I have a headache. Urgghhh. >_<

I'm not gonna' mope. I got to go to Barnes & Noble today, and I picked up a book of Italian verbs, Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games, and Adele Nozedar's The Secret Language of Birds.

So far, all fawesome. ^_^

Snow Day # 4 = Happiness Squared

It's still snow-day, and I'm feeling all warm and melty and happy all over, for a wide variety of reasons, most of which are absolutely none of your business. ^_^

*siiiighhhhh*

I also feel much less ill than I've felt of late, so I'm additionally cheerful!

Anyway, tomorrow I vacate the premesis bright-and-early to go to my interview-majig for the scholarship-thingamabob, so I'll not likely be about to chatter at you all. I love you dearly, my reader(s), and I hope that you have had a very marvelous few days and that your weekend runs splendidly.

Here's hoping it's good, and here's praying that I can charm the wits outta' my interviewer(s).

=D

Snow Day # 3 = 1.5 times as much Happiness. ^_^

I officially love snow. However, my car still does not want to budge, and eventually we will be suffering caffeine withdrawal, and we need to get some orange juice for tomorrow's breakfast. >_<>____<

I've been sleeping so well lately, it's wonderful! I really do hope that the insomnia does not return with the sunshine. That would be unpleasant. Feh!

I want to hug a tree. I don't know why, but hugging a tree seems like a marvellously good idea right about now. *shrug* I dunno'. Probably just my subconscious mind begging me to go out-of-doors and get some Vitamin D.
Get over it! I'm pale! I drink milk, which will suffice until I have at least three other VERY good reasons for risking snow-blindness. I've DONE snow-blindness before, and lemme' tell you, it SUCKS. Can't see any colours but grey and red for an hour after the blindness goes away. Ugh.

I also feel like kicking a tin can around the backyard. Seriously, what is going on here?!?

I need more sleep, I think. That sounds like a veeeeery good idea. Mmmn. Sleep.

While I'm still awake, though, I'm going to educate myself about Utahraptor and Deinonychus. *nods*
Yay, Wikipaedia!

Snow Day # 2 = Happiness

We had another day off classes today, and hopefully tomorrow will make it three-for-three. ^_^
There are easily 6 inches (fifteen centimetres) of snow on the ground out-of-doors. =D
Saturday I have to go waaaay outta' town for an interview-majig about some monies for mi educacion en la universidad.

Here's hoping that goes peachily!

Right-oh, well, I'm feeling right cheery, and I plan to eat some pseud0-Chinese food later today for my dunch/linner.

That being said, I'm going to yammer on a wee bit, neh?
Life is interesting. You can live a dozen lives and never find two quite like each other, never find one that is totally happy-all-the-time and free of suffering, but sometimes, every so often, you'll find one that is really CONTENT. Just... pleased and joyous to exist at all.
I'm getting there, I think. I am really really really happy just to BE. ^_^

I'm gonna' talk to myself a little bit. Don't mind me. Sanity is subjective. ^_^

Right-oh.

So, Esty, whatcha' thinkin'?
~I think that you're being silly.
Jah, well, you aren't the first to think that.
~I also think that silliness is fairly tolerable, having given consideration to all factors.
Well that's peachy. Are you going somewhere with this?
~You started the conversation, my dear.
That's not an answer. That's evading the question.
~And?
Well, stop it!
~What was the question?
I asked you where you're going with this.
~Yes, you did.
And?
~And what?
Wait, what?!
~:)
>_<
~Don't overthink it, love. You'll just give yourself a headache.
Sure, sure, and dolphins sing show tunes about fish.
~Who's to say that they don't?
>_> I'm watching you.
~I know. ^_^
....

Yeah, stopping now.

Snow. Hmmmmn. I could get used to this. *nods*

There's something like five inches of very loose, wet, grainy snow (12-14 centimetres, I think) on the ground outside. This means a few things:
1. My friend Ness is very very very happy right now.
2. We have no classes today.
3. It's cold.
4. My bed is easily the most comfortable and inviting place on the planet right now, and it's sending out major nap-waves at me. ~sleeeeeep you know you want to sleeeeeep Esteeeey...~
5. My dog will not want to go out-of-doors to walk.
6. My violin is going to be very finicky the next time I tune it.
7. My clarinet will sound flatter than a pancake dropped down a mine shaft and kissed by a steamroller.
8. If I step outdoors, I will have a violent coughing fit as my lungs react to the chill air, and my hands will go painful and then numb.
9. This variety of snow is absolutely useless for making snowmen and snowballs and anything else snow-related, since it flies apart in midair and has ZERO structural integrity.
10. Therefore, the only reasonable thing to do right now is websurf and read and attempt to sleeeeeeeeep.
11. However, the moment I get comfortable, the phone will probably ring with a telemarketer on the other end, or the cat will make a mess, or the dog will need to be walked, or some such blarghish interruption of my rare and valuable free-time. Bah!
12. Despite this, I shall still make an earnest attempt to make the most of these deliciously warm and restful hours, so I'm going to pretend that the phone/dog/cat/universe does NOT bug me in the LEAST, and eventually it may even be true. ^_^

Sounds like a plan to me!



EDIT, 5 minutes-ish later:

In the past 7 minutes, the phone has rung twice. Both telemarketers. The dog has needed walked, which he did not WANT to do. The cat has needed me to clean up after her.

WHAT. THE. FLAPJACKS?!??


>_<

Okey. Chill, star-girl. Rather, thaw out. Life happens, including Cosmic Irony, and even if it IS totally full of carp, we are NOT gonna' let this eff up our nice lovely snow-day. Capisce?

Yes, yes, kapeesh.

~here ends the internal dialogue, for now, at least~

God has a very odd sense of humour. o_O

I officially now love Blogger. ^_^

Let it be known: Blogger is totally flajawesome. That's right. Flajawesome. ^_^

Don't click the "Final Countdown" image unless you want it to be true. You've been warned, bachgen/bachgennes.

Ahhh, Eisteddfod!

Y'know what I'd really really really love? Nope. 'Cause I haven't told you yet. Well, I'll tell ye' now.

1. A visit to Eisteddfod. Duh.
2. A visit to the Garnier Opera in Paris. Place de l'Opera = FAWESOME+MUSIC+Le Fantome!!!
3. A doctorate in architecture.
4. A Vanquish. Aston Martin. The world's most utterly gorgeous car. Seriously. Mmmmn.... *makes a yummy sound*
5. A Steinway Concert Grande Piano, model D-274. Ahhhhh, Steinway. In fact, I'd like two: one Hamburg and one New York. http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/20030823_PIANO04/
Check it out.
6. Enough bookshelves.

Right-oh. I have a blog. Whaddayaknow? Suffice to say, wild nights are my glory!!

Hi-la!
Well, if you're here, then you probably have a clue what I mean when I say something. If you don't get it, it's because I do not WANT you to get it, capisce? As I see it, this is a suitable space for posting my poetry and rants and blatherskitishness. Yep. Go figure, Esty has a blog, neh?

It's pouring sleet out-of-doors, and I'm snuggled up all cozy-like on my bed, suffering a rather nasty cold-or-something. I can live with that.

I'm going to poesize for a little whiling, jah. Sorry, non-sprechenszers-of-the-Spanglisch. At least I'm not doing the Welshness right now. You'll live, and if you honestly bothered to read this, then you can find a good translator. ;)

Yo existo, por lo tanto, debe cambiar.
Let a wind stir me from where I wait,
let a fire light my path,
let a star glow bright to guide me,
help me never to forget.
Help me remember myself,
who I was,
what I was meant to be.

Sharp and bright, a hot floating spark,
stirring on the night-wind,
jumping up from the flames
watch you start a blaze of glory,
watch you raze a path of destruction,
simple ideas make greatest change.

There is no change but it brings pain,
and who's to say what's worth it?
Even so, we all must change,
or else be blown away,
and fade.

Yo existo,
por lo tanto tengo que cambiar,
aunque una vez que se inmutable.