Amazing, isn't it, how a world changes?

"Remember me,
and love me,
and when it hurts to miss me,
remember me as I am right now,
loving you,
spinning with you beneath this perfect sky,
and basking in the joy,
the power, the peace that comes from feeling,
for a moment,
truly free. "

I wrote that scarcely three posts ago.

I meant it, too. I don't say what I don't mean.

I wonder how you want me to remember you.
I wonder if I want to remember you.

I wonder if I have a choice, if I ever had a choice about any of it. It wasn't like I wanted to feel that way, at least at the start of it, but there are things that one can't help feeling.

Oh, that's shit. Of course, I had a choice, even if it was no choice at all. Love or Pain, neh? Naturally, it's really just Pain Later or Pain Now. But... then again, that is every choice that exists, isn't it? Deciding when to hurt and when to put it off for another time?

There are a few things that people seem to always want, but they regret it as soon as they get it, or they regret the act of getting it. Wisdom is at the top of that list, I think. Patience, passion, and heart's desire follow pretty closely.
Well, I'm more than wise enough to know that I don't really want to be wise. I've had pretty much forever to know how much it sucks to gain patience, and who is more patient than the person that has to wait for everything, the person that bears all things?

Feck it all. As much as I would love to watch the world burn, there are things here that I value, things that I am going to lose either way. It's just a matter of Now or Later... and... I choose Later. The world can burn all it likes, but not yet. Let me be happy while I can be. Let me live while I'm alive, if I have to be alive at all.

Some rules are made to be broken. Others aren't. How does a person survive, if she has to lose everything that matters to her, now or later?

It's okey. I forgive the hurt, and I hope you can forgive it, too, and the reason for it. I'll miss you in that wretched constant way that I do, and love you, since that's not something I can help, but I'll keep living, too. What's one more heartbreak? I heal quickly.

Damnit. I need to get this out, so I won't have to think it later. I'm sorry.

I miss you, and I need you, and it's a little bit like dying. (I have some experience in that area, I daresay.)
I can't imagine letting night after night pass without seeing your eyes. I really fecking do not want to think about what I'm going to do with that extra fifteen minutes each morning. I miss waking you up and knowing it's okey to wake you up.
I'm needed, so avoiding the forum isn't a likelihood. This is unfortunate, since I can't really avoid seeing your posts, now, can I?
Something inside me wants never to talk to you again or think about you or remember you or anything at all. Something else shrieks in agony at the very thought of 'never' and 'you' in the same sentence. Oh, feck, now I'm crying. Well, that sucks.
Fine. Two tears, but we're stopping there.
I feel like you've died, and I'm mourning the dead.
Thing is, I don't feel this way about death, in general. Death is gentler, as a whole.


You're right, of course, that this was an inevitability. Everything's eventual, after all, especially with regards to me.
That doesn't change the fact that I can still feel your fire underneath my skin every time you think of me. It doesn't change the fact that I can still feel everything, be it anger or jealousy or pain or hatred or love-that-can't-be-borne.

I don't know what's worst, a world where you hate me, a world where you live but feel nothing at all toward me, a world where you love me and suffer for it, or a world in which you don't exist.

I... need to stop thinking about those worlds. *shakes head* No reason to spin a nastier reality than the one I have.

God help me, this hurts.
Okey, one more tear. Seriously, though, foot = being put down, right now.

...I was incorrect in that. So one more. Sure. And another, while we're at it. If I'm gonna' let myself lose control, might as well make it complete. And here's number six.

Amazing what a person can endure. She says I'm strong. I'm starting to believe her, now. She says I'm brave. What if I don't want to be strong or brave, though? What if I just want to pass out here in this corner and let someone else take over?
But I can't do that to him, can I?

Ugh. This is why people should never leave me alone with my thoughts. I never seem to shut up, do I?

This is bad enough. Why does she have to hurt, too?

There is no such thing as fairness. Justice and Mercy are illusions that humans make for themselves when the universe beats the shit out of them. Hope and Courage are just other words for making the pain last longer than it needs to, on the vague possibility that it might clear up on its own if you wait long enough. They are Patience-plus-one. Wisdom is just another way of saying that the world is f*cked-up and you're aware enough of the f*cked-up-ness of it that you can survive it.


I just want to go home. Please, Father, just let me go home, please? What do I have to do? How many more times do I have to lose what I can't bear to lose?
Three more tears, fine. Who cares, anymore? And another. And again. Why do I bother counting?
I'm hurting. I loved you more than any human ever will. I guess that's an acceptable loss, over the alternative? Fine. I want you back, more than you can imagine, even in your current state, but I'm not going to beg you to come back, because then I'll lose you again, I expect, and then I'll hurt again, and so will you, and I can't stand you hurting.

I can't stand you hating me, either, so either choose one and settle on it so that I can get on with enduring it, or... or I don't know what, but choose one, okey? If you are going to hate me, then hate me until the fire burns itself out, until there is nothing left for me to feel from you. Hate me until your life doesn't register on my radar, and then forget me.
Please. Please just forget me.

*gasping, ragged sob* Right. There goes control, out the window. There goes balance, focus. There goes "You're stronger than this." I don't know how I'm going to do this. Just typing this is like being stabbed over and over again and please I just want it to stop please. It burns in my eyes and I just want to be able to feel cold again, since I can't have your warmth without burning forever.

Please forget me. I don't know any way to stop loving you, even when it hurts me. If you can forget me, then at least I won't feel you thinking about me, and I'll be able to just get on with it, with living and with hurting like I'm bound to, anyway.

I just looked into a mirror, and wow, do I look like shit, or what?! Right. Well, focus, I'm stronger than the pain if I can just keep breathing through it. That's what she keeps saying. I have to believe her, don't I? But then, when every other pain is trivial to her, what keeps her from lying?
Right, well, let it be established as fact: I didn't ask for this. I never wanted this. I forgive it all, but forgiveness doesn't make it hurt less. It is a shitty, miserable, impossibly lonely existence. If I could hate, I would hate it. Sure, there are wonderful people whom are there for me so I don't have to take it all alone, but what am I supposed to do when I lose them, too? Well, I guess that's where the passing-out-in-the-corner-of-my-mind thing comes in handy, neh?

Well, there you go folks, the whole source of my incredible and constant cheerfulness: If for a single moment I allow myself to drop below that nearly-imperceptible Line of Bearability, if I allow myself to really think about the genuinely shitty situation that I'm living, then it all hits me at once, and I fall apart, lose it, go to pieces, and STUFFZ. And then I have to let someone else take over, and she isn't really very nice.


Oh, Hell. You just logged onto MSN, and it notified me. Seriously!?!? No!!! I know God has a sense of humour, but this...

...no. This is CRUEL.

I'm not the first to say it, and I shall not be the last: Life. Is. A. BITCH.
It's still life, though. :P I'm still living it, and that's not changing any time soon, I expect.

Right, well. I love you. Sorry, for more than you can imagine. I'm not asking you to change your mind, as much as I wish you would.
I'll heal enough.

God bless you. Be safe and well. Forgive me, please, for being what I am. I love you. I love you forever, which is way too fucking long. Bye.