Happy Birthday, Beloved.

If it were for me to decide,
I would spare you all pain.
I would give my whole self to you
And you would never have to ask.
If it were for me to choose,
I would never hurt you,
Never leave you,
Never let you cry except with joy,
Never change even one thing about you.
I’d wake you up every morning
And be the last thing you see before you sleep each night.
My words would be your comfort,
My voice would be your music,
And every time you look into my eyes,
You would see again and again
that I wanted nothing more nor less
than to always love you
and be loved by you.

If I were free, I would choose you.
If it were mine, I’d give you the world.

I don’t have any of that to offer.
What I do have, though, I give freely.
I give you my love.
I give you my patience and my forgiveness.
I give you my rare blushes.
I give you my apologies.
I give you my smiles and my laughter.
I give you tears, sometimes,
though you won’t ever have to see them.
I give you desire
As well as control, restraint.
I give you passion without fear.
I give you intensity, ferocity,
living-in-the-moment-for-the-sake-of-the-moment.
I give you my hope and my courage.
I give you my wisdom and pray that you never need it.
I give you my dreams,
My secrets,
My trust,
My truth.
If you ever need it, I’ll give you my life.
I know that that’s more than you’d ever ask.
I know it isn’t enough.
It can never be enough.
Even so, it’s all I have to give, and this,
All that I have,
All that is mine to give,
Such as it is,
Is my gift to you.

Gar, what a long time I've been away!

Finally I return. If you've never spent six-ish hours straight practising clarinet with a huge wind ensemble, you have no idea what I mean by 'my chops are ouching'. Right now, my lips look like they've been kissed or bitten or Heaven KNOWS what. Reed + lips + time = don't need lipstick to look red. *chuckle-wince*

The concert was fawesome beyond belief.

Now I get to make up calculus and biology work. Yaaaay. Wow. Sarcasm really does NOT become me. Okey dokey.

I am sleepy. Seriously. I need to SNOOZE. However, I just ate spicy and caffeinated munchies, so sleep is somewhat away from me right now. Alas and alack. Drat and botheration. Cheese and crackers.

I'll live. *dark laughter*
Too bad for the rest of you, my duckies. *throws a kiss to the audience*

As for those four who are perhaps dearer to me than all the rest, those that I call Caerdhamos, Eresthais, Marinlaus, and Esterienlaut?
*huggggggg!!! to you all!*
I've missed you mucho-ness. Gar. Grrrrrrr Kentucky is nice but hotel computers do not have IMing software. Blarghing garrrr.

I have missed you folks. See you about! :)

The ____est day of my life, to this point.

This day has been... ____. If there's an adjective that exists, it applies to today.
The day in brief:

1. My cat kept me awake most of the night.
2. A train had me running behind schedule but not late.
3. I won a very major academic competition today, and I got second in another category.
4. I bought a book cheaply, Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr. It's amazing.
5. I learned that an online friend of mine technically does not exist.
6. My clarinet rehearsal went most smoothly and delightfully.
7. I almost blew a gasket earlier, when losing my temper even a little bit is extremely unusual for me.
8. I'm having a hard time contacting someone with whom I REALLY need to talk RIGHT NOW.
9. My uncle has been diagnosed with lung cancer.
10. I'm still sick, but less than previously.
11. There was sun today, but it was cold.
12. Today the fourth black cat in three days ran across the road in front of me.
13. There's a full moon out tonight.
14. I did not receive the extremely-badly-needed scholarship. Y'know the interview I mentioned? Yeah. That scholarship. I just got the letter of consolation tonight. It came with a t-shirt bearing the school logo. Peeeeachy. I am REALLY not wanting to take out student loans, since they suck and are totally unreasonable.
15. There is always hope. And that other potential scholarship. And those other potential scholarships for which I still need to apply. There's always the chance that one of the recipients will turn this one down and go to another school, allowing me the chance at it again.
16. Tomorrow is still Friday. Thank God in Heaven, tomorrow is Friday.

Well, how would you feel, in my position?


Here is my conclusion:

Today didn't happen. As far as I'm concerned, this changes nothing. This does not change how I will behave tomorrow nor the day after.


I've always known, after all, that when it comes to the things that I NEED, that I genuinely NEED to keep me going in this life, I can't depend on anyone but myself and my God. Why should that change for something like a scholarship interview? I'd be incredibly stupid to think that my problems are going to be solved so very easily, especially by someone ELSE.


To those who read this:
If you know me IRL, you may find yourself feeling very smug, perhaps even ironically entertained, by my current circumstances. The brain finally finds something that is difficult for her, neh?

Listen up. There is nothing that I have right now, NOTHING for which I did not work to the very limits of my abilities. What I have, I HAVE EARNED. Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean that I don't put real and earnest effort into it. In fact, odds are good that I do a Hellova lot more work than you do, since anyone having such smug feelings is obviously not at the top of the IQ totem pole, and has probably slept through a few classes.

So if you wanna' poke fun? Please first take a minute to think about what an incredible idiot you are, and if that doesn't stop you, then please go screw yourself. Courteously save me the trouble of beating your ego to a bloody pulp. :)


Scheisse. I'm getting bitter. I'd better stop that right now, if I want to sleep at all to-night.
Okey. Focus.
Chill-pill, kiddo'. Don't rip off any heads. Tomorrow is its own day. Things can always get worse, but they can sure as Hell always get better, too.